Saturday, September 27, 2014

Mourning What Could Have Been

That man, he smells of heavily-laden "Old Spice" and loves watching "The Bachelor." He stands high and tall, and he and his wife are as precious as they come. I love when I see them "out and about" in town, and it makes me miss them all the more when I run into them. I always have trouble remembering their names because at Dayspring everyone had a nickname.

Pa-paw and Mimi.

Ash and I were out shopping for Hanna's birthday. I ran into those sweet things and I had a hard time rushing to get my shopping done in the hour and a half I had given us girls. Pa-paw talked about his oldest grandchild, Emilee, going off to school. Sweet Emilee. I often referred to her as the first little blond-headed girl I ever loved. She's turned into a beautiful young woman and has just started her first year of college. . . away from home.

Away from home. . .that's what my boy is looking at next year. So I get it, I do.

But Pa-paw, he confessed he had been so depressed since she has left. I could see it in his eyes and hear it in his words. You could see it in his countenance. He spoke of his worry over her and the mean world we live in. I tried to encourage him, "Well, that just makes you pray more, right?"Although he agreed, I could tell his heart was sad over his oldest grandchild moving away from home. I believe if he would have been a two year old he might have laid on the floor and kicked and screamed and beat his head against the floor. He would talk about calling her while she was up there and talking to her (isn't that just precious, him calling her?).

I'd try to motion myself away and tell him, "So good to see you Pa-paw," but he wasn't having it. He still needed to talk about missing Emilee and loving those other grandchildren, how proud he was of all of them, reminiscing back to the past of having bought them car seats to keep in his car so he could take them out to grab a bite to eat.

When we departed from him I told Ash, "You know, if Granddaddy was alive in his mind, that's exactly how he would be." He would, I just know it.

If Jim was alive in his mind he wouldn't be curled up in a hospital bed with a grayish appearance, hardly able to articulate a sentence. He wouldn't be having to be fed and changed and just lay there, unable to do anything for himself.

If he was alive in his mind, this is how he'd be:


  • He would tell him all the time how proud of the hard worker he is. 
  • He would go and eat Chick-fil-A on the nights Alec worked, but he probably wouldn't let Alec know he was there out of fear of imposing. 
  • Chick-fil-A would become his new favorite restaurant.
  • He might still call him "bubbagee". . . just maybe.
  • He would shake Alec's hand every time he saw Alec, being so proud of the young man he has and is becoming.
  • He would remind Alec to study hard.
  • He'd be worried sick at the thought of Alec possibly going away to college next year. But, he'd never voice it to Alec. He might would to me, but not Alec. He would respect Alec has a young man.
  • He'd definitely write Alec a letter expressing his heart to him. Granddaddy would probably have some of that good old "heart water" as he wrote his feelings down on paper.
  • He would be her A number 1 soccer fan and travel around to
  • He would always make sure he had money to buy something from the concession stand.
  • Soccer would become his favorite sport.
  • He'd yell hard when she has a good play.
  • When she goofed or made a mistake on a play he would defend her tooth and nail. 
  • He would tell her how pretty she is.
  • He'd probably call her "sweet".
  • He and Jon would talk soccer plays and soccer strategy and maybe even kick the ball around with her.
  • He would always want to go out to eat after every soccer game. And, he'd insist on treating us all.
  • He would write her a letter to tell her how much he loves her.
  • She would be his "baby girl" and probably a little bit of that is because she looks so much like her Aunt Holly.
  • He would love Hanna cuddled up next to him on the couch.
  • He'd delight over her when she cooked him muffins or cookies.
  • He would laugh so hard at her funny self until you could see him bent over in laughter without any noise coming from his mouth.
  • He would want to take her to gymnastics and tell her what a good job she is doing. 
  • He would want to listen to her read.
  • He would tell her how pretty she is.
  • He would write her a letter to tell her how much he loves her. 
How my heart just hurts. He's never had these opportunities, never had these privileges and never will. Dementia/Alzheimer's is a dirty little thief who is just ruthless. Jim doesn't even know the children. And all the children know of him is a man who has literally lost his mind. They don't know how much he would have loved them, delighted in them, and just gloated over them. 

Sometimes I really do believe the worst kind of heartache isn't necessarily missing what  was but what could have been. . . 

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Blessed My Heart

Well this morning I am up and at 'em and back to working. Up at 4:00 a.m., coffee cup #1, wasted time, started working, coffee cup #2, working. By the time Cookie came to get me to take him outside to go to the bathroom I decided it was time for coffee cup #3 and I'd better take him out.

I took Cookie outside and when I was going to get my third cup of coffee I noticed a light on in the girls' room. Now, mind you, it's about 6:10 a.m.

Why is the light on on a Sunday morning this early?

I peeked in. It was Ash. She was at her desk with her lamp on.

Me: "Are you okay, baby?"

Ash: "Yes, ma'am."

Me: "Can you just not sleep or did you wake up on purpose?"

Ash: "On purpose."

So I went over there to give her a kiss on her head good morning.

I looked on her desk and opened up was her Bible and a notebook where she had notes written.

Thank you, sweet Jesus, for that encouragement.

As I went to get my cup of coffee I prayed for my sweet Ash. . . that she would have a such a sweet time with Jesus she just wanted more and more of Him, that the cry of her heart would be, "Jesus, I need you, I need you. I need you.". . .that He would meet her in such a way she could never turn from Him.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Smooshin' or Thoughfulness???

So my boy has decided he wants to go to KSU next year. . .like live and room and live and live and go to school there. Did I mention he wants to live there? Like I won't know where he is or when he gets home or when he studies. . . yeah. . . I guess that is called college and growing up.

I told him I wasn't opposed to it but we needed to discuss it with Jon and we needed to pray about it. There was also this issue of finances. Honestly, Alec is so smart I think he could probably get an academic scholarship.

This morning I left to meet Christina. About 11:30 Alec calls me, "Mom, I wanted you to know I bought you lunch for when you get home."

Sweet. He knows I love the way he gets his Subway subs and I'm always wanting a bite of his. He got me one made just like he does. Oh, and he got me a Coke, too.

He was 90 to nothing telling me all about KSU. A friend from his work just went there and they've already made big plans to move in together next year.

I teased  Alec and asked if that's why he surprised me with lunch.

Through a big white smile and a pretty hard giggle he said, "No, ma'am."

I don't know. I think it was a little of both.

He then assured me we would talk everyday. I then called his bluff. I suggested texting everyday to which he agreed to for the first semester. We laughed and laughed. He told me how it was only 15 minutes from Jon's work. . . . I will admit it makes my heart a little sad to think about him going away to college next year. However, at least at KSU if I just need to see him and just need to hug him it's a hop, skip, and a jump away.

We'll see. Many obstacles have to be overcome. I am excited for him for the possibility, though.

Until the next smoosh, ahem, thoughtfulness. .. . I might need to milk this thing for all it's worth.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Just a Homeschooling Mom

For today I was just a homeschooling mom.

My computer crashed. Therefore, there was no work I was able to do. I still got up early. Today I discovered that by the time we start school I've been up for at least five hours and about 50 percent of my brain has been used.

But today, Hanna and I had a great morning going over her memory work. We read about the Holy Roman Emperor and Christopher Columbus. We had a great discussion. Now, of course, when it was time for Math, the Math war began. But, I wasn't shaken because I was enjoying just having the responsibility of educating my children. It was really, really nice. No work to worry about. No emails to have to check. No getting on the system and downloading work.

I was able to enjoy Ash figuring out and explaining to me Kepler's three laws of planetary motion.

Alec and I had great conversations about anarchy, his CC class on Monday, and his future for the next year and even for his life.

I'm thankful for my job. Our family needs for me to have an income and I'm okay with that. I've learned being a help mate to my husband doesn't necessarily mean me being barefoot and pregnant and him walking him to a spotless house. He doesn't care about those things. Me being a helper to him is just that. . .helping him. And, he needs for me to bring in some dough. And, honestly, I'm really wired to work. I think it's just part of my genetic makeup.

But for today, I savored, enjoyed, and rested in just the sole responsibility of educating my babies.

And, to boot, I got my office clean, too. So when I get the computer up and going again, I'll be ready to go in a nice and clean office.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Frick and Frack

Gigi is still so sweet to feed us dinner on Tuesdays. Lee is staying with Gdaddy and Tuesdays while the girls and I are at CC. It is really nice to get home, wait on Jon, and head over to Gigi's for dinner.

By Tuesday evening I'm pretty much toast with tutoring all day Monday and Tuesday. I absolutely love every minute of it. But boy am I tired on Tuesday.

Jon had eaten more than he wanted so he and Hanna went to the soccer field to do some body weight exercises.

Meanwhile me and my mini-me sat on the sofa. She had her ipod and was watching something and I turned on Jen Hatmaker's new renovation HGTV show.

It was so nice to veg out. Ash and I are wired the same way so we get each other. We were perfectly content being in the same room with one another. . .  her doing her thing and me doing mine.

Frick and Frack. . . we certainly are a pair, that girl of mine and me.

We had such a sweet conversation on the way to soccer practice Monday night. She asked me, "Mom, how did you know Dad was the one you were supposed to marry?"

These are the conversations I've always dreamed of having with my daughter.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Secret Shopper and other Sunday Shenanigans

A few months ago Jon decided he might like to be a "secret shopper". He is all about some customer service, so he thought he'd like to go and check out different places of business and get a little extra cash for it. After doing the first one he decided the little money you make may not be worth your time.

That's until they called the other day. They needed someone in our area to go to the Waffle House. Can I get a what?what?!!! It paid $25 and would reimburse $8 of your cost. Our Fab 5 could eat at Waffle House for that much. Free meal?  Heck yeah. So off we went this morning.

Actually Hanna spent the weekend with Noelle so I picked her up bright and early at 8:00. My sweet baby was so homesick and missed her mama, her daddy, her house, and her dogs (probably most her dogs). She kept hugging me over and over again and really just wanted to be near me. It was sweet. I often say she's probably the reason I've never wanted anymore babies. . . because she is just soooo affectionate.

We all head out to breakfast. Our family is in a really good great place right now. I have some speculations as to why. But it's good, and for however long this lasts, I'm grateful.

We then headed to Gigi's. Gigi hasn't been going to church and she really needs the encouragement, the praise and worship, and she loves the preaching. So we told her on Sundays we would come to stay with Gdaddy. We rented, "God's not Dead", and took it over there to watch while she was gone. GREAT movie!!!!!!!!! I think I cried at least three times. And, of course, Hanna is eyeballing me in all the parts of the movie she thinks I would cry. Gigi made lunch for us and we enjoyed our Sunday lunch with her.

We came home and Jon and I napped. Ahhh, bliss!!!!!!! After waking up Hanna and I made lunch for CC for the next two days and Ash read to me our Logic definitions. Yikes, Logic. Uggh and Yay all at the same time. I'm grateful for how learning Logic is stretching my "feeling", thinks with my heart, emotional self. However, it is definitely a stretch. It's fun for Ash and I to be learning together.

While the girls and I were doing that Jon finally got Ash's soccer uniform through with her new team. It's been a hassel  and may still be, but, hopefully, crossing our fingers, this is it and done, and we'll have her a uniform by game day. Meanwhile, Alec was in the living room playing a new boxing game. I get so tickled at him getting so aggravated with video games.

For dinner we headed to Dairy Queen. Jon bought some Groupon's for Dairy Queen and we enjoyed a dinner out that I didn't have to cook. Yippeee, Skippee!!! Dinner was great around the DQ table. We laughed and laughed. Oh, how I love the laughter of my family. It's one of the sweetest sounds in the world to me. We left "God's not Dead" with Gigi for her to watch and then headed back to her house to pick it up.

Gigi was so sweet, she, of course, had treats for each of us. . . leftover dinner in different tupperware containers with our initials on it. Alec had Oreos. Jon chicken-a-la-king, Ash broccoli salad, Hanna mac and cheese, and me broccoli and squash casseroles. It was a perfect food gift for each of us. The kiddibos all got to laughing telling "Your Mama" jokes, so the girls took them to the Nth degree. They kept going back and forth to the computer. One would come out and say, "Your Mama is so fat. . . . " That child would run back to the computer and the other child would run out, "Your Mama is so fat. . ." This went on and on for about 50 "Your Mama" jokes. Ash kept yelling at Hanna, "Stop taking my jokes." We all cackled hard. There's that laughter of my family.

With Jon standing behind me and his arms around me I silently thanked God for that moment. My children all laughing, us at Gigi's, Jon's arms around me holding me tight. Time truly does seem to stand still when you live in the moment and just thank Him.

We came home and Gus had gotten out of the fence AGAIN. He jumped the fence for the first time ever this morning so we went and got a harness and a leash. He got out of his harness (how? I don't know) and jumped the stinkin' fence. Hopefully, now, we've got him locked down.

Alec and I watched part of "60 Minutes" together. There was something about stocks on there (which right now he wants to grow up he wants to be a stock broker). He left and went to the back once that was over. I continued watching my favorite show all by myself. . ..hee.hee.

So, Sunday, you've been good to us today. We've enjoyed you thoroughly, and we're grateful.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Some More of Summer

Sleepovers and making homemade pizzas

 Holly and Lee both were in town so we had a family wiffle ball game. It was so much fun I didn't get many pictures.

 Hanna had Starbucks for the first time and when she told Nanna about the yummy goodness she had experienced, Nanna gave her $5 to go and get some more.

 Another family picture.
 A large church up the road from our house had "Big Daddy Weave" in concert, along with fireworks. We camped out on our front lawn and heard the concert and saw the fireworks.

 We dressed up like a cow to get free CFA.

 And, we got another dog. . . yes, another dog. He followed Jon home on a run one day. He was so skinny. We fed him. He's the sweetest and we kept him. I told Jon, "We're becoming like a hotel for dogs."
 And Hanna loves every bit of it.